How To Waste Your Money

*NOTE*

This story was written by my grandma NOT me, all I have done is given her work a title, and some small grammar corrections. Enjoy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the strong sarcasm in her writing voice, and the way technology has developed since the 70’s. 

How To Waste Your Money

Mull over Barnum Bailey’s phrase, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Do you think it applies to you? Well, maybe not. Maybe you were born on the half minute. I know my husband and I were born at exactly zero hour for suckers. I have cupboards and closets full of proof. Take a tour of my kitchen for a start.

The electric blender, now that seemed lie it was just what we needed to make our babies food with. A great saving. Wrong. We didn’t like a wide enough selection of vegetables to justify buying them for the little bit they would eat. What the babies did eat I could mash faster with a fork. Now I know the blender does other things, but it only does it little bits at a time. You have to cut up or dice the food first before the blender will take it. Well, a few more chops with the knife, and you would have it done anyway. As for liquids, it makes good cocktails you say? That is wonderful, if you drink cocktails. Milkshakes are easy to whip up, but I can still make a milkshake in a bowl with my hand mixer. Crushed ice? I have only needed it once, and that was before I got the blender. I put it in a plastic bag and tapped it with a hammer. To be blunt, there is nothing I can do now that I couldn’t do before I bought the blender. So read the booklet first, and see if it fits your cooking style.

Mix masters and hand mixers, I’ve got both. I had the hand mixer first, so the mix master must have been purchased by my husband as a labor saver. Thoughtful? The mix master does not do anything the hand mixer won’t do, and the longest I have ever had to mix anything was four minutes. Holding the mixer was good for muscle toning. Buying the mix master first would give you both anyway because it comes apart to make into a hand mixer.

My electric coffee pot, now I really believed I was going to have good coffee in the mornings. It never turned out one good pot of coffee. I took it back and had it serviced but it didn’t help. Now they have a new drip style pot out and I actually found myself standing in the stores debating whether to buy it. I have been drinking instant coffee for fifteen years and never had a cup of coffee I didn’t like. The most I ever drink in the morning is two cups so I can’t imagine what’s told me I need a pot that is going to give me six to twelve cups. I wonder how long I’ll hold out.

I have an electric popcorn maker. I also have an old pot that makes better popcorn. I have a grill and waffle iron, but I don’t have any waffle eaters in my house, and a frying pan makes a terrific grilled cheese and ham. There’s the electric food and bun warmer, what ever did I do without it? The same as I do now, warm it in the oven and on top of my burners. Then there is the electric can opener that left me stabbing a can with an icepick and knife one day because the cord had fallen unnoticed into the toaster and I didn’t have a manual opener. The electric knife was great while it worked but it doesn’t anymore and I really haven’t missed it at all. I’ve gone through two electric frying pans but was still able to cook the same things when one didn’t work. I’ve got a dishwasher and I also have three daughters.

Lets move onto the closets and start on the second shelf because the first one is just three out-of-style wigs. So there lies the electric comb, a comb that heats up, did I really need that when I have two hairdryers. I had to have the second one because they came out with a hair dryer with a dome you could sit under. The type with the hose and cap looked silly to me. Now that’s the one in service because if you remove the cap it turns into a hair blower and helped me so far to resist buying a hand blower. There also sits my electric hair rollers that I don’t need anymore because I have my electric curling iron. The next shelf holds my electric makeup mirror which shows three different types of light your face is exposed to. That would have been good except I only wear lipstick and blush. Another thoughtful gift from my husband. Oh he has bought me a number of things he thought I might like, like the vibrating pillow, electric shaver (I prefer the safety), tape recorder, three cameras; the first camera works fine but he likes to keep up with the latest. The electric broom, too noisy and I have a vacuum and broom that work just as good. The list is endless but now that we are wiser it shouldn’t get much longer. Take stock in your house and see how many things you find that put you into the class Barnum Bailey was talking about. If you don’t have these things and always thought yourself a little underprivileged don’t you feel a little better now?